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PaganCrafts Fun Page

Here you will find all kinds of things - jokes, riddles, and the like.

[pagancrafts] Humour is Welcome Here!!!
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 20:33:18 -0700
From: Crone
Organization: Mama Yasmini's Place

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?

A self-cleaning coven. ;-)

[pagancrafts] Eye Czech-up
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 1998 18:43:43 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a ophthalmologist in Prague. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I date his sister!"

[pagancrafts] GIGGLE
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 00:09:23 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition...

Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

DIOS: the one true operating system.

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: terminal coolness.

Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.

Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.

Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Manufracture: to produce items which break after little use.

Telegant: Looking good on TV.

[pagancrafts] Let there be Dogs and Cats
Date: Tue, 01 Dec 1998 11:10:39 -0600
From: Alex Windancr

Let there be Dogs and Cats

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it come to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, " No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

[pagancrafts] Love And Marriage
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 1998 18:40:07 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage!

[pagancrafts] Heavenly Stroll
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 04:14:52 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

Heavenly Stroll

It seems that a man who had just passed on was met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter offered him the grand tour, and of course the man accepted.

As they were strolling along, they passed many groups of people laughing and celebrating, praying and studying, and doing all kinds of things. Some were Christians and some were Moslems and some were Jews and some were Pagans. There were even some Atheists, just marvelling at the beauty all around them! One of the groups they passed was having a picnic, and there were pink triangles and rainbow flags everywhere.

"Aren't the colors pretty?" St. Peter asked. "They always make me so happy!"

They continued on, and soon they came to a great wall. It was so high that no one could see over it, and so broad that no one could see around it.

"What's in here?" the man asked.

"Oh, I'd like to show you," St. Peter answered, "but I'm afraid we aren't allowed in there."

"What?" the man exclaimed. "Why ever not?" St. Peter sighed. "Well," he said, "you see that's where we keep the fundamentalists. They're just happier thinking they're the only ones up here."

[pagancrafts] FUNNIES
Date: Tue, 01 Dec 1998 01:32:31 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar (or..maybe the Grinch can have it?)

December 1--Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold,turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2--Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3--Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4--Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5-- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6-- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7-- Debug Windows '95.

December 10-- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11-- Lay Faberge egg.

December 12-- Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13-- Bring out my collection of antique dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14-- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15-- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17-- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19-- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20-- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21-- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22-- Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23-- Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24-- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25-- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26-- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27-- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31-- New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[pagancrafts] FUNNIES
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 00:06:05 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

Baby Pictures...

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father--a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."

Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?

Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree that this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and I."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my busines card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was appoaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My word, she's fainted."


Computer Dictionary

Analog: Hors d=EDoeurve, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts

Backup: Opposite of go forward

Batch Processing: Making a lot of cookies at once

Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes

Bit: 12 1/2 cents

Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude

Bug: 1. Programmer=EDs term for a feature 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it incorrect. Note: the activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space

Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors

Computer Club: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages

Coding: An addictive drug

Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter

Compiler: Noah Webster (I 758-1843)

Console: What one does to a depressed computer

Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words

Dump: A system programmer's work area

Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative

Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked

Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system

Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages

Loop: See loop

Machine-independent Program: A program which will not run on any machine

Microcomputer: One millionth of a computer

Null String: The result of a 4-hour database search

On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible

Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago

Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)

Quality Control: Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design

Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization

User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation

8-bit machine: A computer selling for $1.00 (see bit)

16-bit machine: A computer selling for $2.00 (see bit)


Little Bits of Trivia

A full-grown pumpkin has about 15 miles of roots.

A porpoise swims slowly in a circle as it sleeps.

At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon.

Despite the many rat-infested slums in New York City, rats bite only 311 people in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.

No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.

The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11-story building.

Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day.

There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million.

During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville's timeless classic of the sea, 'Moby Dick', only sold 50 copies.

The liver, not the heart, is the sign of romance in northern Morocco. When a Moroccan girl falls in love she says, "Darling, you have stolen my liver."

Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn't matter whether they are in front, behind or beside them.

A small tribe named the Todas in southern India doesn't greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses.

The host team in an NFL football game must have 36 footballs inflated and ready to play with.

The world's greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000 wives. Before dying of syphilis, he was quoted as saying he only loved the first 700.

[pagancrafts] FUNNIES
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 1998 07:06:53 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

A pastor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

[pagancrafts] GIGGLE
Date: Thu, 05 Nov 1998 19:30:35 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

GUIDELINES FOR ENLIGHTENMENT or "Drive your Karma; Curb your Dogma"

1. Be a Fundamentalist--make sure the Fun always comes before the mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regular hilarity.

2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering--so you are already a winner.

3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming we're getting, we can simply change the channel.

4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop. And, no matter what adversity you face, be reassured: Of course God loves you--He's just not ready to make a commitment.

5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: "Don't get even, get odd."

6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on the planet. And peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.

7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.

8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is---there is no key to the Universe. The good news is--it has been left unlocked.

10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So, we don't have to go through channels.

[pagancrafts] EGADS!
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1998 00:28:03 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

Lately in the news of Kentucky we hear that two teenagers were arrested in association with Church burnings related to Satanic practices. The small town sheriff cautions parents to be alert and watch the children. Adding that they are known to own books on the occult, take drugs and "wear pentagons."

Just thought you should know...

[pagancrafts] A funny!
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1998 02:54:34 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes his head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

True Love
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998 23:50:12 -0700
From: Endora Aphrattos

True Love

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!

[pagancrafts] Hallowe'en Funnies
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 10:29:59 -0800
From: Crone
Organization: Mama Yasmini's Place

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

[pagancrafts] Some Hallowe'en Funnies
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 08:54:01 -0800
From: Crone
Organization: Mama Yasmini's Place

Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetite!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas

Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

[pagancrafts] FUNNIES
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1998 22:08:59 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

[pagancrafts] Re: Some Hallowe'en Funnies
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 14:17:53 -0500
From: Laura Toms

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."

[pagancrafts] Letter to Bombeck From Martha Stewart
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 1998 13:54:17 -0500
From: Chris Ferguson, Scents Appeal

Hi, Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.

I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha Stewart

P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains.

I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, I'm on the phone with the dog pound - seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries. How do they DO that?

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes. Tried using an old disposable razor trashed the tablecloth.

Tried that cranberry thing but frozen cranberries mushed up when I defrosted them in the microwave.

Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off. Talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

[pagancrafts] FUNNIES
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 20:59:04 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

Sorry, but passing on jokes is about all I've time for just now. Next week I should be more visible. WINK (CROSSING FINGERS)


I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk. -- Stephen King, 3/8/90

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker

The meek shall inherit the earth; they are too weak to refuse.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

When you're swimmin' in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray. -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers


Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. -- Angela Martin, age 11

Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. -- Lisa Coburn, age 9

Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. -- Nick Coleman, age 9

Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. -- Bruce Wagner, age 13

A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. -- Megan, age 14

[pagancrafts] Funnies #2
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 21:03:37 -0800
From: Endora Aphratttos

Embarassing moments

The following are the top three winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest in New Woman Magazine:

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

[pagancrafts] A sacred KAO
Date: Sat, 07 Nov 1998 23:44:10 -0800
From: Endora Aphrattos

Battle Hymn Of The Eristocracy

Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao;
It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now
Gathered in discussion of the dropping of The Bomb;
Her Apple Corps is strong!

Grand (and gory) Old Discordia!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordia!
Grand (and gory) Old Discordia!
Her Apple Corps is strong!

She was not invited to the party held on Olympic;
So she threw a Golden Apple, 'stead of turned the other cheek!

Oh, it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak;

Her Apple Corps is strong!

For the Apple Hera offered Paris all the wealth she could;
Athena promised that his enemies bodies would be strewed;
But Aphrodite offered Helen - and EVERYONE got screwed!
Her Apple Corps is strong!

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